NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
