I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
