His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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