My balls are so social today.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
