My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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