Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I need a burrito and a hug.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
