I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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