and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
You're my little dorito
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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