Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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