All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
