you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
