Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
