From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
