Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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