I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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