look no pants
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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