I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
