So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
