I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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