i wish peter jackson would direct porn
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
