From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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