i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
