So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
