i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
