Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
i think i just naturally attract stoners
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
