hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
