dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
