i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
