i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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