I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize