highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
