I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
