Whod you bang
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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