why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
