Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
