UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
