hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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