FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
