I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
