You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
