It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
