Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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