He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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