Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
