Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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