If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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