My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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