she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize