No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
we made out on top of his cat.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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