i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
