I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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