Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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