Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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