Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
