I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
