I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
