Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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