hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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